Germany...if this is the Motherland, I want to be orphaned

Well...it is certainly nice to be back in the good 'ol US of A after 4 weeks in Germany. Before I left, people were telling me how GREAT Germany was and how much I would love it!  After a month in that overcast icebox of a country, I call bullshit.  Honestly, the place was rarely above freezing and I swear, I saw the sun 3 times in 28 days.  I can see why Hitler wanted to take over the world, to get the hell out of that shithole.
The city I was in was called Landstuhl and it was like I was back in Groveland again.  I mean it was the sticks.  I should have known.  A german lady on the plane over there ask me where I was staying.  I told her Landstuhl and she never heard of it....bad sign.  Landstuhl is about an hour from Frankfurt, so you have to take a shuttle.  So I was riding with the driver and he was going on and on about all the fun stuff to do in his country after he found out it was my first time there.  Number 1 on his list....walking in the woods.  I shit you not.  Boy, how the mighty have fallen.
Another thing is the German language itself.  Two German business men could be having a nice conversation about their families but it sounds like 2 wild boars fighting over the last piece of meat from their kill.  Lots of snorting, growling, and throat clearing.  Not exactly a romance language unless you are trying to attract the hottest local swine.
So, a few good things about that place.
1.  Good beer- some of the best beer I ever had at a decent price.  The best was at the Belgium airforce support unit at Ramstein airforce base.  Got to admit, didnt know Belgium had an airforce, didn't know they needed support, but for good Belgium beer for $1 a glass, lets just say I probably bought them a new airplane for the force.
2. Good food- Schnitzel is a fried piece of pork with some type of topping.   When I say some type, I mean these guys put just about anything on top of this pig.  Brown gravy, white gravy, cheese, and yes spaghetti.  I'm sure the spaghetti was a left over from their alliance with Italy during WWII.  I mean you have 2 of the Axis powers right there on your dinner plate.  If you could get a side of sushi to go with it, we might have a dinner that will live in infamy.
Anyway, good to be back home with Chrissy, Sera, and BBQ.  God bless America.

Great Balls of Fire....

So I am completing my 2nd straight day of Burn ICU call. I shit you not, we have had exactly zero admissions.  In fact, I have only been called 1 time at home with a stupid question from an intern.  Talk about a white cloud.
I am thoroughly convinced that 99% of people that get burned were doing something stupid.  Whether it was smoking in the car with a can of gas on the front seat next to them or dickheads trying to steal copper from electrical substations and touched the wrong wire, Darwin could not be happier seeing his natural selection in work.
Now I am not talking about these brave men and women soldiers, marines, air and seamen that we get back from the war.  In that case, they were injured by some chicken shit jackoff usually planting an IED and running away, not even being men enough to stand up and fight.
So in closing, thank you central Texas for not being dumbasses the last few days, you may continue starting 0600 tomorrow.  And remember, lighter fluid and gas are not the same so if you use it to light your Weber.....stop, drop, and just lie there 'cus now you're the grill. S'mores anyone?

thank you mommy

So the momster and step dad were down in San Antonio for Thanksgiving.  And, of course, I get the normal questions...."What do you want for x-mas?"  Now, honestly, I don't need anything.  I have a great wife, a beautiful daughter, and a nice house.  But mom being mom (and my step-dad, Mario), they wont take no for an answer. 

The day after turkey day, Mario and I, are at the local watering hole grabbing a beer while we wait for our take out.  Some guy next to us has an Amazon kindle.  He asked me, and I quote, "What the fuck is that thing?"  So, I explain to him that it is Amazon's e-book reader and how they work.

They next day, they leave for home and 2 days after that...a package from UPS shows up at the door.  Now, I am at work when it gets there and I spoke to my mom that morning.  She says that a package will be coming and don't open it.  Being the good son that I am, I say OK.  That night, my wife says UPS dropped something off so I take a peak.  Now, nothing against online shopping for x-mas, but when the package that comes says the name of the contents inside, it kinda ruins the surprise.  I mean Kindle was splattered all over the outside of this box.

Being the little shit that I am, I call mom and tell her what just arrived. She was a little upset but that didn't stop me.  "Since I know what it is.....can I start using it?"  Well, after a few please, please's...she said yes.  I felt just like the kid and his Red Rider B-B gun from a Christmas Story.  I tore ass into this thing and started downloading books.  Let me tell you, this thing is SO COOL.

I always wanted to read more non-medical books but never bought anything because 99% of my reading life is learning about surgery and critical care.  You can download almost anything you want...and the best part, a lot of the good stuff is FREE.

Even though this thing was a gift, I highly recommend it.  Well worth the money. Get one.

Holy big whack Batman....

So...took call with the trauma team yesterday. Felt great to be back on the service again. The day started off great. Got back to the OR and had some good cases to include an ex lap for a bowel obstruction. It was sweet, got to sew on some intestines again....been forever. I know, weird shit to be happy about but I was training for 5 years to do that stuff.
Suddenly, we get a call that a major trauma is incoming. Car vs. bike and the guy is really dorked up. Just as the ambulance hits the ER door, the paramedic says they lost vital signs. Now, as surgeons, this means one thing. We have to cut this poor bastards chest open to see what the hell is going on. So, with big ass knife in hand, we put a whack on this cat's chest from is sternum to the table and with a couple of big chomps of heavy scissors, we are looking at lung. Rib spreader goes in to give us room. Open up the pericardium (the sac of tissue that holds your heart) and blood gushes out. Then we see it, a huge hole in this guy's heart. I call for a stapler (yes, a stapler) but he has no cardiac motion. He's dead and we call it. And in my demented mind, all I can think of is GODDAMNIT. I didn't get to cross clamp his aorta...oh well, good anatomy lesson I guess.
Then we get 2 assholes who were shot "minding their own business of course). Both shot in the chest. Now whoever shot these two Mensa members has to be the luckiest bastards ever, they hit nothing important...nothing. We sent them home from the ER but judging on the number of tattoos and lack of teeth they had...we will be seeing them back in the ER any day now. I guess it is better to be lucky than good. I'm neither.

Cam didn't know...C'mon man.

Are you serious? Did the NCAA just do that? Does anyone outside of Auburn campus really think that Cam didn't know that his father was pimping him out for $100+ thousand? This kid is a dirty as an overweight stripper's thong after a 12 hour shift. First he had someone's stolen laptop. Then he cheats at UF. He leaves because Tebow came back for his senior year. Right..that team would have been his this year. He left because the hammer was gonna get dropped on his head and he was going get thrown out of school. Then his father goes and tries to pimp him out to other schools. Do you think MSU was the only team he contacted? But he didn't know....I got one word for that....BULLSHIT!

Once more into the breach dear friends....

I don't know why, but I look forward to the UF v. FSU game all year. I used to tell my friends that I didnt care if UF went 1-10 if that one win was against the seminoles. And now, once again it is gameday and I have butterflies in my stomach. The Gators have a good but not great team this year and no Tebow. I cant tell you how much I miss watching him play in orange and blue. Anyway, lets get down to buisness and show that POS truckstop of a school who's boss in this state. If you're not a Gator, then you must be Gatorbait....

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My own worst enemy

So, this month I am on "research" but I get to take call with the trauma/acute care surgery team once a week. I was like SWEET, I can get back to the OR. So I was on call yesterday with them. Now, in terms of medical jargon, a white cloud is someone who brings good luck to the team... i.e. NO WORK. I have had this title for awhile now. Therefore, 24 hours on call wanting nothing more than to get to operate, we get NOTHING. No appys, no gallbladders, no anything. Really...really....My white cloud is becoming my own worst enemy. Damn it, need some OR air!.....